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‘Selfish’

adjective

            (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.

            ‘Self-care’

noun

            the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.

The concept of self-care first came to me when I was going through one of my periods of self-doubt.  I was someone that liked putting people first. Even people that didn’t deserve it. This behaviour got to the point where I started losing pieces of myself in order to satisfy other people’s desires. This downward spiral of a behaviour continued until one day, I decided to say ‘f*ck it’ and I started putting myself first!

However, my new sense of self-love wasn’t met with a positive response. I was described as selfish for putting myself first. For finally putting myself first. My acts of self-preservation were deemed self-centred and unkind. According to my (then so called) friends, I was no longer fun. All because I decided to put myself first.

So, that’s what I’m here to talk/write about.

When did self-care become a selfish thing to do?

When did putting my mental, physical and even spiritual health first become a bad thing to do? 

Well, after some reflection and some counselling, I can tell you that the answer is, ‘it’s not’! Self-care is NOT selfish. It is actually essential. Self-care is essential for those moments when:

• You’re mentally and physically exhausted.

So, let me set the scene for you. You’ve agreed to go out for drinks some evening with a couple of your friends. The day has arrived. However, you’re no longer up for drinks. You’ve had a long day at work and you would rather spend your evening underneath some blankets with a good book. But, the thoughts of texting your friends and letting them know that you can’t make it haunts you. You feel like your friends won’t understand that you’re just exhausted. You’re scared that they’ll call you a ‘flaker’.

However, what I’ve come to realise is that if your friends really know you and they support you the way real friends are supposed to, then they would understand you. They would understand that sometimes, choosing to go home and rest rather than going out for drinks is the best decision for you at that moment. They should support the fact that you’re putting your health first and they shouldn’t deem you as ‘selfish’.

When you’re mentally or physically exhausted, it’s perfectly ok to take time out and not feel guilty about it.

• You simply need some alone time.

If you feel like you would rather spend your day by yourself watching some YouTube videos rather than spending it out with others, then that’s perfectly ok too. Everyone needs some alone time and some people need that alone time a lot more than others. Being social and interacting with other individuals CAN be exhausting and it’s ok to take time out and be with yourself for some time. There’s no shame in that whatsoever.

• It’s time to move on.

Time and time again, we often find ourselves in a relationship or friendship that causes us nothing but stress. We stay in these relationships because we’re scared of hurting others. However, when it comes to damaging or unfulfilling relationships, putting yourself first is the single most best thing to do! If something – or in this case, someone – is no longer making you happy, then it’s ok to move on and say goodbye. There’s no point in making someone else happy at the expense of your own happiness. Self-care is definitely not a selfish thing to do in this case.

So, the next time you ‘flake out’ on an event, or you refuse an invitation, or you simply say no to something, all in the efforts to take care of yourself, don’t feel guilty about it. It’s time to realise that YOU come first and it’s ok for you to come first. As long as you aren’t harming others and are still taking care of your responsibilities, it’s ok to put yourself first. I know, personally, that in doing so, I’ve become a happier person and a better person to be around. I’ve allowed myself to do what I  want, have what I want, and be what I want with no guilt whatsoever. Now that I do things for myself rather than for the comfort of those around me, my self-confidence and self-love has flourished. I know what’s best FOR ME and that’s the most important.

And that’s it! My take on self-care and it’s importance. If you needed a reminder that self-care is not a selfish thing to do, then I hope that this gave you just that! Taking care of yourself is an important thing to do and it isn’t a selfish thing to do!

Have you ever had a hard time in putting yourself first? Do you think that there’s a fine line between self-care and selfishness? I’d love to hear your opinions. Let me know in the comments below!

Yours, 

Bukola Veronica.  

   

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Find out ‘How I’ve Learnt To Accept The Body I’m In‘ in my previous post!             

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Disclaimer: All items marked with an asterisk (*) has been gifted to me. However, I was not obligated to include them in this post.

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Photos: Grace Meagher (@grace.meagher)

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